Well, it’s that time of year again, when we all try to think of some sort of easy-to-do resolution so we can impress our friends at parties. I find it’s always best to make public those resolutions that can’t be independently verified. You know, “I resolve to increase the amount of my donations to Save The Armadillos.” That one, in particular worked great at parties. Not only did it make me look like a great nature lover, but a quick visit to Wikipedia before the party and I can spout out armadillo facts as if I were the founder of the organization. Chick magnet!
This year, I have decided to branch out and make recommendations to those public figures who could stand to improve themselves in the eyes of the public. Toward that end, here’s my initial
“List of New Year’s Resolutions For The Rich And (In)Famous.”
1.) Caroline Kennedy – Your initial attempt at a press conference pretty much reminded me why I moved out of Massachusetts, home of the Kennedy Clan. My suggestion: Purchase (and READ) “How To Win Friends And Influence People.” Also study the wit of your father. I’m reminded of Lloyd Bentson’s admonishing of Dan Quayle nearly two decades ago when he said, “I knew John Kennedy, Senator, and you’re no John Kennedy.” Caroline, you could benefit greatly by studying how your dad approached the media.
2.) Barney Frank – Quit while you’re ahead. You’ve managed to trash the state of Massachusetts, but that wasn’t enough. So you went to Washington and trashed that (while your boyfriend ran a male-prostitution ring from your home that you claimed you knew nothing about). But even that wasn’t enough, so you championed the Fannie Mae and Freddy Mac programs until they were so out of control it’s trashed our economy and will take us possibly DECADES to recover from completely… that is if we are EVER able to climb out from under this massive mess of yours. So please. Quit before you manage to find a way to reverse the magnetic polarity of the planet.
3.) Barack Obama – Join Toastmasters. Listening to you speak off the cuff is as painful as it is listening to Ted Kennedy speak off the cuff. It’s a regular “Battle of the Uh-Stars.” Don’t want to join Toastmasters? Then consider having a mini teleprompter surgically implanted into the palm of your hand.
4.) Joe Biden – Sit next to Barack at Toastmasters. No, seriously.
5.) Roger Clemens – Ah, never mind. You’re beyond help at this point. More to the point, nobody cares anymore.
6.) Jay Leno – Do as good a job at 10 PM Monday – Friday as you do at 11:30 and we can all get a good night’s sleep. No one’s gonna need to stay up for Conan. And you’ll start getting Christmas Cards from Letterman again.
7.) Conan O’Brien – Pray that CBS and ABC have some bitchin’ programs on at 10PM.
8. ) Jimmy Fallon – See if you can get back on Saturday Night Live before it’s too late.
9.) Jesse Jackson – Give it up. You had a nice long run shaking down corporations for “donations.” The gig is up. For years your subliminal message to the African American community has been “No we can’t!” and they needed YOU to “keep the struggle alive.” Well, America has elected a black President, and not because of you, but because Barak Obama’s message has been, “Oh yes we CAN!” And now that African Americans know they CAN, they just don’t need you’re dog and pony show any longer. Fact is, we never did. Buh-bye…
10.) Jesse Jackson Jr. – Don’t make such a big deal about “getting back my good name.” It really wasn’t all that stellar to begin with. See # 9 above.
11.) Mahmoud Ahmadinejad – Borrow the book from Caroline Kennedy when she’s done with it. Oh, by the way. Did you know your Luger P-08 is jammed? Yeah, take a look down the barrel. Now, watch what happens when you pull the trigger. Nothing, right?
12.) Sean Hannity & Rush Limbaugh – The Democrats won. Get over it. Keep in mind it was you who wanted to “Stop The Hillary Express” with your “Operation Chaos.” Well, there’s an old expression, “Be careful what you ask for… you might just get it.” And President Barack Obama is what you wound up with. Deal with it.
13.) Al Franken – Give it up. And you had the cajones to accuse the REPUBLICANS of stealing Florida in 2000? Bwahahahahahaha!!! To paraphrase the words of your alter-ego, Stuart Smalley, “You’re, dull, you’re a loser and, gosh darn it, you just don’t fool enough people…”
14.) Sarah Palin – Start a comedy troup in Alaska. Do a parody of Tina Fey. Every week. They say that “Payback is a you-know-what.” Well, with all the awards she’s won for parodying you, turnabout is fair play. And that “you-know-what” could stand being taken down a notch.
15.) Brad Pitt – Did you see the current issue of GQ? Yep, that’s Jen. Your head: get it examined.