Bring Me the Head of… Julian Assange?

November 30, 2010


The best I can say about the intelligence breach that is Wikileaks, and the President’s poor performance regarding this third massive classified document dump, is to quote Professor Jacobson at Legal Insurrection, who correctly identified the type of letter that should have been sent to Julian Assange:

Dear Wikileaks,

If you publish any more material we will hunt you down no matter the cost, and you either will be killed while resisting arrest or you will spend the rest of your lives in solitary confinement in a Supermax prison, where the highlight of your day will be 1 hour spent in a cage instead of your cell.  Don’t look up, that sound of propellers in the air is not a Predator drone.

Harold Koh

Of course, that was not the letter that was sent. Instead, Mr. Koh sent a sternly-worded missive with threats of swift retribution pathetic plea to Assange to return the documents because publishing them would be bad.

If this weren’t so dangerous to our national security, it would be a joke, which is what America is swiftly becoming in the eyes of the world. We need to address this breach with authority and swift justice. Now.

Or as commenter “turfmann” at Legal Insurrection wrote:

“…I am quite sure that a certain housewife from Wasilla, AK, should she have been president right now, would find this SOB herself if need be. She could hunt him down, dress him in the field, put his antlers on the wall of the Oval Office and we could all watch it on The Learning Channel, Sunday night at 9:00. No facebook post would have been necessary.”

I could live with that.


Top 10 Things NOT To Say During TSA Pat-Down

November 24, 2010

Not Recommended For Airport Travel

During this most busy travel season, delays are unavoidable. And with many people threatening to boycott the new TSA scanning/ pat-down process, delays are likely to be even longer.

As a public service to our readers,  I would like to offer a few suggestions that can minimize your delays and make your travel a bit safer and less burdensome.

Of course, the Obama administration gives exemptions to themselves regarding these new security requirements (ironic, don’t you think?). Michelle Malkin has a great piece on the epitome of chutzpah regarding this.  

Toward that end, and in the interest of avoiding what could be a 3-5 year delay on your travel (with accomodations provided by the “graybar hotel”), I offer the following things probably best left unsaid if you are selected for (or request) a pat-down inspection:

10.) Who me? Oh, I’m not actually going anywhere. But it’s been months since I’ve been on a date and…

9.)  I’m ready, and my seatback and tray tables are in their full upright position, if you get my drift.

8.) What do you say we get a couple of Long Island Iced Teas and then get down to business here?

7.) Try to avoid my stimulus package, will you?

6.) I think I’m gonna need a paper towel when you’re done.

5.) Oh  yes… yesssYES!!!!!!! (Sigh…) Got a cigarette?

4.) I just want to know one thing: Will you still respect me when you’re done?

3.) Ashes to ashes…dust to dust… if you know what’s best, keep your hands off my bust!

2.) Oh, I’m ready, all right… I’m traveling commando, if you know what I mean…

And the number one thing you should avoid saying during a TSA pat-down check:

1.) How much extra for the Happy Ending?

Here’s wishing all of our traveling readers a safe, molestation-free journey… and a very happy Thanksgiving!

Gerry Ashley
Grand Rants

Obama Orders TSA And Obamacare Merger With FaceBook

November 23, 2010

From the “tongue-in-cheek” division of the Grand Rant News Desk:

In a stunning announcement this morning, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs announced that President Barack Obama has signed an Executive Order requiring that the TSA (Transportation Security Administration) merge operations with Universal Healthcare and Facebook, the Internet-Based Social Network.

In explaining this executive order to a stunned press, Gibbs explained, “The President recognizes the importance each of the three diverse organizations plays in today’s society and has decided that it is in the best interest of all citizens of the United States to benefit from the best  each group has to offer by merging them into one new agency.

The merger will take effect in a two-phase manner:

Read the rest of this entry »

Pistol-Packing Mama Grizzly!

November 22, 2010


“A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free State,
the right of the People to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.”

It’s official. I’m now permitted by the great state of Massachusetts to purchase and carry firearms.

It was not that arduous a journey, actually; I expected much worse. About a month before Gerry’s post about being shot at, I had completed the certification course required by Massachusetts in order to be allowed to apply for permission to buy a gun.

The course itself was hugely educational (as was, I’m sure, at least part of the point). It cost me $100 for a day of classroom course work and a day at the shooting range to qualify. The instructor, Mike, was an ex-military guy who was willing to spend as long as it took to make sure my classmate and I understood absolutely everything there was to know about guns and their history, from the invention of gunpowder to the present. Read the rest of this entry »

Michael Vick’s Stats Can’t Hide The Monster Within

November 17, 2010

You won’t find any fawning Pro Sports fans here at Grand Rants, so if that’s what floats your boat, you might as well enter the URL for ESPN  and be done with it.


For a long time, it has been the opinion of all three writers here at Grand Rants that Pro Sports, like  the entertainment world in general, is emblematic of all that is wrong with American Society: Greed, avarice, and the absolute willingness to rush headlong towards the lowest common denominator in society and cling to it as if it were an enviable aspiration.  We Americans have come to embrace hype over substance and are willing to look the other way at any and all behavior, no matter how abhorrent, as long as the person is good-looking or famous. Nothing illustrates this so well as the media and public response to celebrities and professional athletes.

Ask yourself: Would Charlie Sheen be the subject of such adulation (from both sexes for, sadly, many of the same reasons) if he weren’t a star of TV/Movies?

Would Michael Vick have been welcomed back to his old job after serving time for his involvement in illegal dog fighting if he was a computer operator instead of an NFL quarterback? What message does it send, not just to the other NFL players, but to children who look up to professional athletes as their inspiration? This is a tragic case of opportunity lost (or as Barack Obama would call it, “A Teachable Moment”) and, as a society, we’re too damned stupid to even understand what, exactly, we’re missing.

Case in point: The sports world is buzzing over the performance of Philadelphia Eagles Quarterback Michael Vick logged on Monday Night Football’s matchup against the Washington Redskins. In that game Vick passed for 333 yards and four touchdowns and ran for 80 yards and another two touchdowns. On the first play of the game, Vick threw an 88-yard touchdown pass to DeSean Jackson.


Read the rest of this entry »

They’re Figthing for Us, Their Votes Should Count

November 11, 2010

Even though we saw a wave of red sweep the nation last week, there have been many very troubling reports of absentee ballots either not being sent to our military, not having been sent in a timely manner, or sent and received received but not counted.

Of the many reprehensible instances of voter disenfranchisement and fraud that you may or may not have seen affecting the November 2010 and 2008 elections, these examples have to be the most shameful:

Feds to Sue New York Board Over Military Voting Violations, State Official Says (Link)

“We send our young men and women overseas to fight and to die for us, and we don’t care enough to make sure they get the right to exercise their franchise? That’s what they’re over there fighting for as much as anything else.”

By Monday night [October 11, 2010], it remained unclear just which of the counties still had yet to mail their ballots.

Troop ballots left unsent for election (Link)

Absentee ballots for the upcoming election were not mailed out to almost 2,900 troops serving overseas by the deadline in about one third of Illinois counties…

Missed Deadline by New York Voting Board a ‘Huge Oversight,’ Soldier Says (Link)

The New York State Board of Elections’ failure to send all of its 320,000 absentee ballots to the state’s military servicemen and women and overseas voters after an extended deadline is alarming, an active duty Marine told

Senate Report: One Forth Of Military Votes Uncounted in 2008 (98,000 servicemembers screwed out of their vote) (Link)

A Senate report, [c]ited by the Associated Press today, seem to indicate that at least one quarter of all military ballots in the 2008 election went uncounted…

DoJ scandal reveals how thousands of military ballots may go uncounted (Link)

“…[L]egal complaints, news stories and studies all showed dozens of states failing to give soldiers enough time to vote in the 2008 election…”

To our active military members, thank you for your service to our country; your votes should count.

To our veterans, thank you for the services you have rendered to America.

And especially to our very own co-blogger here at Grand Rants, Gerry Ashley: thank you for your service.


An Open Letter to the Next Speaker of the House

November 8, 2010

Dear Speaker Boehner/Cantor/Bachmann/Whomever,

Speaking as a citizen, a conservative, and a Tea Partier, I’d like to give you some advice as you prepare to take up the reins for the 112th Congressional session. These suggestions come from my desire to get our country back on track, to mitigate the disasters wrought by the 111th Congress, and to start Congress delving into the bigger picture about what will happen to America if we allow ourselves to continue on our current path.

They are very simple suggestions, and I hope you will take them in the spirit in which they are offered.

  1. Get a normal-sized gavel. Hubris the size of Queen Nancy’s gavel is unbecoming in the People’s House.
  2. Fly commercial. We’ll spring for business class. I know you’re third in line for the presidency, but given our fabulously successful national security policy of depending on good luck to protect us from attacks on airplanes, you should be fine.
  3. Begin discussions of the  800pound gorillas in the room: Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, and state and federal pensions. Until those are addressed, all other fiscal discussions – including the current demand for a stand-alone vote on hiking the U.S. debt limit – are akin to re-arranging deck chairs on the Titanic. On April 14, 1912. At 10:30 or so in the evening. All Americans must understand that the U.S. government keeps three sets of books: immediate debt, emergency funds, and financial obligations for the future. It’s that last set of books which is already sinking us and which must be addressed immediately.

I sincerely hope you will take these suggestions to heart. Otherwise, you might not like what happens in 2012.


Translating Obama (Without Rosetta Stone)

November 8, 2010

I’ve long believed in the value of speaking more than one language. Years ago, when I learned I was going to be sent on a business trip to the (then) Soviet Union, I studied the language for 4 months prior to my departure. It only half paid off, however, as I quickly discovered that, while I was able to speak to them with my well-rehearsed phrases, I had no idea how to translate their replies to me.

This led to some experiences best forgotten. And if  Pavlik is reading this, I swear I thought I was saying your wife had a big heart (not to worry, comrade, my eye socket healed just fine).

Oh Yes! Just ONCE, Please!

So it was with great wonder that I discovered Sunday night how easily I was  able to translate Obamish (the language of President Barack Obama) to English as I watched him on 60 minutes.

Here’s just a sample:

During the interview with Steve Kroft, Obama said the health care system itself is huge and complicated and that changing it eluded previous presidents because it was so difficult.

Translation: Read the rest of this entry »

It’s Always Something

November 8, 2010

Oh brother. Even Saturday Night Live, in its 70s-and-80s cocaine-fueled heyday never conceived of anything like this:

Having a safe Halloween took on a different meaning in one Oregon neighborhood, where trick-or-treating teenagers received condoms in their goodie bags.

Daniel and Kathleen Harris, of Silverton, tell The Statesman Journal the free condoms were part of their effort to promote health. They also handed out toothbrushes as well as candy bars.

Back in 1977, Beldar and Prymaat Conehead only gave out beer and fried eggs to the neighborhood kids at Halloween. Now people are handing out condoms.

A lot sure has changed in 33 years.



NEWSFLASH: Harvard History Dominated by White Males

November 8, 2010

On what was clearly a slow news day, the Boston Sunday Globe delivered the shocking details (front page, above the fold) of Harvard’s horrifying lack of diversity… in its Hall of Portraiture.

In a dramatic report, Globe staffer Tracy Jan pours on the prose:

“In this ornate meeting room adorned with crystal chandeliers, Greek columns, and Oriental carpets hang images of Harvard’s most venerable figures — row upon row of stone-faced alumni, professors, and presidents. They are mostly men; all are white.”

Does this really come as a shock to anyone? Frankly, the real surprise to me is that this is a fairly recent effort. From the same article:

“Groundwork for the minority-portraiture project was laid by a group of minority students who surveyed the portraits hanging in university buildings in 2000. They expressed their concern about the lack of diversity to Sandra Grindlay, then-curator of the university portrait collection.

“’They were just looking around and feeling like they could not identify with this institution that had this kind of materials on the walls…'” [emphasis mine]

Amazing. These kids went to Harvard without actually realizing that the university was founded, staffed, and attended by mostly white males during most of its 364-year history. They simply can’t identify with that. Well then perhaps they shouldn’t have gone through the application process and be paying upwards of $50,000 per year to attend.

Wait a minute, what does that remind me of? Oh yes! It reminds me of the cluelessness of a man who went through an incredibly rigorous two-year job application process, had no inkling as to what the job entailed, had to convince a large number of people to hire him, and, once hired, spent the first two years of his (hopefully short) tenure blaming everyone but himself for the problems he encountered on the job.

But I digress. I have no problem with Harvard deciding to add more portraits of students of high achievement, or faculty and staff of great merit to its galleries. I do find it sad that Harvard feels it necessary to judge those worthies by the color of their skin or by their gender, rather than by the content of their accomplishments.

In ways large and small, political correctness will end up killing this country.