Thanksgiving 2011

November 24, 2011

Oh, that men would praise the Lord, for his goodness,
and for his wonderful works to the children of men.

For he satisfieth the longing soul, and filleth
the hungry soul with goodness.

Psalms 107: 8,9

May you all have a peaceful and joyous day.


Top 10 Things NOT To Say During TSA Pat-Down

November 24, 2010

Not Recommended For Airport Travel

During this most busy travel season, delays are unavoidable. And with many people threatening to boycott the new TSA scanning/ pat-down process, delays are likely to be even longer.

As a public service to our readers,  I would like to offer a few suggestions that can minimize your delays and make your travel a bit safer and less burdensome.

Of course, the Obama administration gives exemptions to themselves regarding these new security requirements (ironic, don’t you think?). Michelle Malkin has a great piece on the epitome of chutzpah regarding this.  

Toward that end, and in the interest of avoiding what could be a 3-5 year delay on your travel (with accomodations provided by the “graybar hotel”), I offer the following things probably best left unsaid if you are selected for (or request) a pat-down inspection:

10.) Who me? Oh, I’m not actually going anywhere. But it’s been months since I’ve been on a date and…

9.)  I’m ready, and my seatback and tray tables are in their full upright position, if you get my drift.

8.) What do you say we get a couple of Long Island Iced Teas and then get down to business here?

7.) Try to avoid my stimulus package, will you?

6.) I think I’m gonna need a paper towel when you’re done.

5.) Oh  yes… yesssYES!!!!!!! (Sigh…) Got a cigarette?

4.) I just want to know one thing: Will you still respect me when you’re done?

3.) Ashes to ashes…dust to dust… if you know what’s best, keep your hands off my bust!

2.) Oh, I’m ready, all right… I’m traveling commando, if you know what I mean…

And the number one thing you should avoid saying during a TSA pat-down check:

1.) How much extra for the Happy Ending?

Here’s wishing all of our traveling readers a safe, molestation-free journey… and a very happy Thanksgiving!

Gerry Ashley
Grand Rants

Giving Thanks

November 26, 2009

Think about this: There is only one reason, one group, one entity that saves the image above from the scrap heap of the historically laughable and horrifically ridiculous. No matter what your religion or ethnicity, only one small slice of humanity saved your tail section, especially in America, from being on the endangered list. Given recent (and sometimes not so recent) history, virtually every ethnic, racial, political, and religious segment of the global village has found refuge in the silent arms of the United States Military. Doubt it? If the Nazis had had their way, all Jews, gays, blacks, Native Americans, and in general non-Aryan would be dead… Between the early and late 1900s (not to mention the Marshall Plan in between), Europe would probably still be a smoldering ruins. What would have happened to China if we acquiesced and gave the Japanese the petroleum they so desperately wanted to continue their vicious expansionism in 1941? What of South Korea? The Philippines? What of the USSR?

In short, where would this world be without the United States Marine Corp, the United States Army, the United States Navy, the United States Air Force, and the United States Coast Guard?

Well, we wouldn’t be eating turkey.

So today whether you are with family or friends, eating a feast or serving a feast, please remember our servicemen and women as you give thanks for all the blessings this great country has bestowed upon us all.

“Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be meat in mine house, and prove me now herewith, saith the LORD of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it.”

Mal 3:10

Happy Thanksgiving to all.


Obama To Replace Thanksgiving With “Baracksgiving”

November 20, 2009

This Just In From The Tongue-In-Cheek News Desk:

Tofurky: It's What's For Baracksgiving!

In a stunning announcement, the White House today announced the end of the Thanksgiving holiday; it is to be replaced by a new event some are calling “political correctness run amok.” The new event, to be called  “Baracksgiving”, is described by the President as “similar to Thanksgiving in many ways, but it’s now an event that re-energizes the meaningfulness of family while keeping proper perspective on who we are and our place in the world.”

In the interests of bipartisanship, gender neutrality, and full inclusion (formerly known as “integration”), the President this year will be granting a symbolic “pardon us for our history of evil”  (formerly known as “pardon”) to all fowl normally eaten during the holidays. As you know, for generations there has been an annual custom to pardon the White House Turkey. However, White House Chief of Shaft (formerly known as “Chief of Staff”) Rahm Emanuel was concerned this year that people might think this was a reference to the President and, therefore, suggested the change to read “all fowl.”

At a press conference, Press Secretary Robert Gibbs announced:

“The decree shall thus go out that “No family In  the United States shall eat Turkey, Chicken or Duck during the ‘man-made seasonal celebratory events’  (formerly known as ‘holidays’).”

But none of the Assembled press corps – including hardened veterans – was prepared for Gibbs’ next statement: 

“As an emblematic gesture signifying the completion of his “Symbolic All-Year World Healing Apology Tour” (S.A.Y. W.H.A.T.),  the President has decide to end the traditional  Thanksgiving holiday, effective immediately, and replace it with a more solemn ‘man-made seasonal celebratory event.'” 

President Obama then surprised the White House Press Corps by joining Gibbs at the podium where he stated:

“For too many years now, the wealthy have gathered on this day called  ‘Thanksgiving’  and gorged themselves on an embarassment of riches while those less fortunate went wanting. Further, it led to the unnecessary slaughter of hundreds of millions of innocent, defenseless birds, mostly turkeys. And for what? To allow the rich to flaunt their wealth! 

This is unacceptable and it ends now. Under my leadership, a new man-made seasonal celebratory event will be replacing what  was known as ‘Thanksgiving’; one that all people, rich and poor alike can claim as their own. Like Thanksgiving, it will be a day for families to come together. But it will be a day when we apologize to each other for any transgressions, real or imagined, that we may have inadvertantly caused in the past year.

In keeping with that theme, I’m going to mandate that anyone with an annual income above $100,000 is to invite one Native American family to join them at their table as a symbolic gesture of reunification and re-distribution of wealth. If you do not know any Native American families, one will be assigned to you by the office of the Secretary of the Interior. Make no mistake: refusal to open your home to your assigned Native American will result in a fine of $600 and/or 30 days in jail.

Let me make this clear: This new ‘man-made seasonal celebratory event will instantly become a day that is meaningful, spiritual, and one of reflection in all 57 states.

Now since you will no longer be allowed Turkey, Chicken and Duck, and since so many of you are overweight, I have decided this would be a perfect time for the American people to get into shape. Therefore, I suggest you celebrate Barackgiving with Tofurkey, a portmanteau of tofu, savory natural  ingredients, and yogurt gravy. Or you might like the tofu equivalent of chicken called, uh… Tof…oh my goodness… uh…To-FOO-kin, or the tofu replacement for duck which is uh… called… uh… uh…  good gracious… apparently Rahm didn’t think this through very well. Tell you what: I’ll let you figure out your own pronunciation. You know, on second thought,  if there are children in your household under 18, may I suggest the Tofurky as it may cause less of a commotion at the table. 

As for the first family and myself, well, we’re already in shape. To celebrate the very first Baracksgiving, we’ll be traveling to England to personally apologize to the Queen for the uproar and inconvenience caused by the American Revolution… and to replace those DVDs that don’t work for Prime Minister Brown. In a gesture demonstrating the ongoing  commitment we have with the Queen, I will be bringing replacement batteries and a software upgrade for her Ipod.

Thank you, and I wish you all a very warm and significant Baracksgiving!”

It is not known how the President expects to address Chanukah, Christmas, or Kwanzaa. Or when he’ll make a decision on Afghanistan.

Gerry Ashley

As God Is My Witness…

November 28, 2008

For those of you who are still recovering from the effects of Thursday’s gorging, laughter is definitely good exercise.

Hope your Thanksgiving was filled with family, fun, gratitude, and great food.


Thanksgiving and Giving Thanks

November 27, 2008

We here at Grand Rants wish all of you a very happy Thanksgiving. We all have so much to be grateful for, living in this wonderful country, and it is our hope that everyone will take at least a few moments between family, friends, and food, and and give some thought to the counting of blessings and the giving of thanks.

May you all have a joyous day.


For Your Viewing Pleasure

November 24, 2008


It is a time-honored tradition in many households including my own that before, after, and/or during the process of eating turkey and its innumerable accouterments, football must be watched. After the meal, after the dishes, after the genial conversation comes pie and football. And pie.

I am proposing a different course of action this year, however. No change for the turkey, the dishes, the conversation, or the pie. I’m suggesting that rather than watching football, watch a movie. In fact, watch a cheesy move, the cheesier the better. And with that proposal in mind, I have three guilty favorites to recommend for your entertainment:

  • Buckaroo Banzai (aka The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension): a quintessential 80s tale of a rock star / brain surgeon / quantum physicist and his wacky back-up band who accidentally release aliens from the 8th dimension. Hijinks ensue. This engaging classic has an all-star cast including Peter Weller, John Lithgow (in a star turn you’ll never forget), Ellen Barkin, Jeff Goldblum, and Christopher Lloyd, as well as a host of other faces you will recognize. Lots of great quotable lines in this movie.
  • Big Trouble in Little China: it was rumored that this was intended to be the sequel to Buckaroo Banzai which got derailed. Whereas Banzai definitely has a sci-fi vibe throughout it, Big Trouble is more mystical, with Kurt Russell starring as swaggering trucker Jack Burton who attempts to help a friend rescue his kidnapped fiancee. This one has lots more action, and is not quite so slyly subtle. Also starring a pre-Sex and the City Kim Cattrall, this is a kung-fu romp through San Francico’s Chinatown.
  • Tremors: an actual monster movie with fantastic subterranean creatures that terrorize and destroy a small town. This one features Kevin Bacon and Fred Ward as Val and Earl, odd job guys with big plans who get trapped in their small town by the heretofore unknown “graboids.” Between the two of them, they have to figure out a way to get the towns’ survivors to safety. The relationship between Val and Earl carries the story; and the supporting characters are hugely entertaining, particularly Michael Gross and Reba McIntyre as survivalist types who have a basement full of guns, ammo, and other little surprises. The graboids are wonderfully low-tech and yet believable.

So forget the football this year. Try a cheesy movie. You can thank me later.