Top 10 Things NOT To Say During TSA Pat-Down

November 24, 2010

Not Recommended For Airport Travel

During this most busy travel season, delays are unavoidable. And with many people threatening to boycott the new TSA scanning/ pat-down process, delays are likely to be even longer.

As a public service to our readers,  I would like to offer a few suggestions that can minimize your delays and make your travel a bit safer and less burdensome.

Of course, the Obama administration gives exemptions to themselves regarding these new security requirements (ironic, don’t you think?). Michelle Malkin has a great piece on the epitome of chutzpah regarding this.  

Toward that end, and in the interest of avoiding what could be a 3-5 year delay on your travel (with accomodations provided by the “graybar hotel”), I offer the following things probably best left unsaid if you are selected for (or request) a pat-down inspection:

10.) Who me? Oh, I’m not actually going anywhere. But it’s been months since I’ve been on a date and…

9.)  I’m ready, and my seatback and tray tables are in their full upright position, if you get my drift.

8.) What do you say we get a couple of Long Island Iced Teas and then get down to business here?

7.) Try to avoid my stimulus package, will you?

6.) I think I’m gonna need a paper towel when you’re done.

5.) Oh  yes… yesssYES!!!!!!! (Sigh…) Got a cigarette?

4.) I just want to know one thing: Will you still respect me when you’re done?

3.) Ashes to ashes…dust to dust… if you know what’s best, keep your hands off my bust!

2.) Oh, I’m ready, all right… I’m traveling commando, if you know what I mean…

And the number one thing you should avoid saying during a TSA pat-down check:

1.) How much extra for the Happy Ending?

Here’s wishing all of our traveling readers a safe, molestation-free journey… and a very happy Thanksgiving!

Gerry Ashley
Grand Rants


Obama Orders TSA And Obamacare Merger With FaceBook

November 23, 2010

From the “tongue-in-cheek” division of the Grand Rant News Desk:

In a stunning announcement this morning, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs announced that President Barack Obama has signed an Executive Order requiring that the TSA (Transportation Security Administration) merge operations with Universal Healthcare and Facebook, the Internet-Based Social Network.

In explaining this executive order to a stunned press, Gibbs explained, “The President recognizes the importance each of the three diverse organizations plays in today’s society and has decided that it is in the best interest of all citizens of the United States to benefit from the best  each group has to offer by merging them into one new agency.

The merger will take effect in a two-phase manner:

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