Hell, Meet Handbasket

As I’m sure regular Grand Rants readers have noticed,  I haven’t posted recently.

I’ve tried, damn it, God knows I’ve really tried. But every time I try to write something, something bigger happens in the news that just makes me want to book passage to Pluto. I don’t give a damn if Pluto lost its ranking as a planet. If I can find any large orbiting extraterrestrial body where I don’t have to worry about what’s taking place here on earth, I’m fine with that. Call it an orbiting sack of poo for all I care. As long as it’s not inhabited by Barack Obama, Congress, Mo Gaddafi, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, NFL players and owners, Charlie Sheen, or Justin Beiber, I’ll be just fine, thank you.

I’m looking at the prophecies of doom for the month of December next year and I’m thinking, “God? I know you’re busy and all, but could you move that date up a bit?”

I read the news every day and it seems like our society is getting more and more polarized… and our President is the chief cause! He’s not bringing this country together (which was the claim during his campaign); instead, he is the wedge that is splitting us up into two camps. Seriously: how cold is it in Antarctica these days? Do they have Applebee’s there?

So what’s left to write about? I thought of a sketch for Saturday Night Live, involving  Charlie Sheen as the celebrity host and… “BOOM! Winning!” But I’m afraid all that’s left is to take bets on when Charlie completely flips out, overdoses, or is taken out by a SWAT team as he tries to storm the Playboy Mansion.

Tomorrow morning, I will crawl back into my office and laugh hysterically about how lucky I am to have a job working all by myself and not have to deal with the outside world for a whole nine hours… and I’m proud to say none of the work done in this one-man office will have been done by a union worker. Another blessing.

If you will excuse me, I’ve got to put a trace on a package I’m expecting from Kervorkian Enterprises. It’s a “Goodnight Pill” and I asked it to be delivered in 2029. I’m gonna see if I can move the delivery date up to Wednesday.

Gerry Ashley

3 Responses to Hell, Meet Handbasket

  1. Scott McCray says:

    Have you been readin’ my mail? Damn – I couldn’t have said it better myself. Thank you!

  2. Gerry Ashley says:

    Scarey, ain’t it?

  3. the Other Ken says:

    My suggestion is the purchase and consumption of any of the fine American pilsners that are available. I find that having several in one sitting generally puts a better light on things.

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