Top 10 Things NOT To Say During TSA Pat-Down

Not Recommended For Airport Travel

During this most busy travel season, delays are unavoidable. And with many people threatening to boycott the new TSA scanning/ pat-down process, delays are likely to be even longer.

As a public service to our readers,  I would like to offer a few suggestions that can minimize your delays and make your travel a bit safer and less burdensome.

Of course, the Obama administration gives exemptions to themselves regarding these new security requirements (ironic, don’t you think?). Michelle Malkin has a great piece on the epitome of chutzpah regarding this.  

Toward that end, and in the interest of avoiding what could be a 3-5 year delay on your travel (with accomodations provided by the “graybar hotel”), I offer the following things probably best left unsaid if you are selected for (or request) a pat-down inspection:

10.) Who me? Oh, I’m not actually going anywhere. But it’s been months since I’ve been on a date and…

9.)  I’m ready, and my seatback and tray tables are in their full upright position, if you get my drift.

8.) What do you say we get a couple of Long Island Iced Teas and then get down to business here?

7.) Try to avoid my stimulus package, will you?

6.) I think I’m gonna need a paper towel when you’re done.

5.) Oh  yes… yesssYES!!!!!!! (Sigh…) Got a cigarette?

4.) I just want to know one thing: Will you still respect me when you’re done?

3.) Ashes to ashes…dust to dust… if you know what’s best, keep your hands off my bust!

2.) Oh, I’m ready, all right… I’m traveling commando, if you know what I mean…

And the number one thing you should avoid saying during a TSA pat-down check:

1.) How much extra for the Happy Ending?

Here’s wishing all of our traveling readers a safe, molestation-free journey… and a very happy Thanksgiving!

Gerry Ashley
Grand Rants

7 Responses to Top 10 Things NOT To Say During TSA Pat-Down

  1. auntbethany says:

    The list could go on! The “seatback and tray tables” one makes me think of George Carlin’s “Flight Safety Speech”!

    How about “I’m currently sitting in the back, but with a little help from you, I’ll move up to First Class, baby!”

    • Gerry Ashley says:

      Ooooo, you’re wicked!

      How about it, readers? Got any others keeping in the spirit of good natured satire? Nothing gross, please…

  2. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Bob Miller, Grand Rants, Alice Johnson, Peter Cook, Gerry Ashley and others. Gerry Ashley said: Another Grand Rants Satire: Top 10 Things NOT To Say During A TSA Pat-Down: […]

  3. Is that a roll of quarters in your pocket or are you just happy to pat me?

  4. Xranger3 says:

    How about adding, “Was it as good for you as it was for me?”

  5. Myrna says:

    Asking questions are genuinely nice thing if you are not understanding something
    fully, however this post gives nice understanding even.

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