From the “tongue-in-cheek” division of the Grand Rant News Desk:
In a stunning announcement this morning, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs announced that President Barack Obama has signed an Executive Order requiring that the TSA (Transportation Security Administration) merge operations with Universal Healthcare and Facebook, the Internet-Based Social Network.
In explaining this executive order to a stunned press, Gibbs explained, “The President recognizes the importance each of the three diverse organizations plays in today’s society and has decided that it is in the best interest of all citizens of the United States to benefit from the best each group has to offer by merging them into one new agency.
The merger will take effect in a two-phase manner:
Effective January 1, 2011, TSA Security Scans of all adults age 18 years and over will be automatically uploaded to the individual’s Facebook account. If the individual does not have a Facebook account, they will be required to get one. Failure to do so will result in fines similar to refusing healthcare. Those travellers who opt for the “personal pat down” will be required to have a description written by TSA employees posted on their Facebook page.
“It occurred to the President that Transparency has worked so well at the political level (and people were demanding it), it seemed like a natural progression to extend this transparency down to the street level,” Gibbs explained.
“This combines the best in security procedures with the best social networking tool on the Internet. The resulting benefit is that people everywhere would know just who is trying to sneak contraband onto airplanes. At the same time, it also gives us the opportunity for an unprecidented social network experience where no one, over the age of 18, will be able to provide a false description of him or herself.”
Gibbs continued: “Now, a 47 year-old male pervert who lives in his mother’s basement won’t be able to pass himself off over the internet as a 15 year-old girl named Sandy. And people won’t be as easily able to misrepresent themselves to prospective dates in terms of height, weight, build and uh…” at that point, Gibbs voice trailed off and was unintelligble.
He continued: “The merger of concepts also represents a new era of open communication and social transparency, so we are going to rename the resulting on-line product from Facebook to ‘T&A Book.’ And the government agency overseeing this will be renamed ‘The Department Of HomeGland Security.'”
When asked what the connection was with the new Universal Health Care, Gibbs explained that this would be the second phase of implementation:
“The new security measures will allow the government an opportunity to save billions of taxpayer dollars by performing body cavity searches and prostate exams simultaneously along with colonoscopies in travellers over the age of 40.”
Gibbs added that no decision had been made yet as to whether those results would also be uploaded to the traveller’s T&A Book “page” which will henceforth be referred to as a “member’s stimulus package.”
When asked how much the program would cost to implement, Gibbs was evasive as to the amount, stating only, “The Department of HomeGland Security will be paid for by an ‘endowment’ from the Federal Government.”
Gerry Ashley/Grand Rants Tongue In Cheek Correspondent
Addendum: Doug Powers has two videos of interest on this topic over on MichelleMalkin.com: Hillary Clinton’s take on the pat-down ( she says she’s agin’ it but it’s not clear whether she thought it meant Bill patting her down or not) and Saturday Night Live’s spoof – both worth checking out.