Breaking News: Obama’s Kenyan Birth Certificate Found

Constitutional Crisis Looms

Photobucket/Gerry Ashley

In what has been described as the most incredible discovery of the century, the birth certificate for Barack Hussein Obama has surfaced in Kenya, throwing the United States into turmoil. The Constitution stipulates that the President  must be a natural born citizen of the United States.  As such, the discovery has put the presidency of Barack Obama on the line.

Representative Robert VanDelay (D – NM) said, “I can’t believe this! He has been lying all this time. I feel completely betrayed. Next thing you know we’ll probably find out he’s got a socialist agenda!”

As the new broke at first light, Obama quickly announced some executive staff changes, effective immediately. A stunned former White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs faced angry news reporters as he was hastily escorted off White House property.  Gibbs called to the members of the media to follow him outside the fence. Once they were outside the Gates, he stated:

“For the record, I want to say categorically, I never bought into that Hawaiian story, myself. But we had to have evidence of the Kenyan birth certificate before we could move forward. So I teamed up with  Rahm Emanuel, and together we set up a task force to find the document. That document was discovered Saturday in the Kenyan house where the Obamas lived at the time. It was pressed between the pages of the first book he read as a child, “Mein Kampf”

With calls for his immediate resignation coming from members of both parties, Obama released a statement through his newly-appointed (this morning) Press Czar  (yet to be identified by name, but who bore a striking resembleance to Van Jones). In that announcement, he stated the following:

  • He refuses to step down and, in fact, is considering suspending the Constitution and elections until making some changes that even Obama himself declared would be “Sweeping and historical in nature. “Most important” he declared, “While martial law might seem a bit radical, just think… if I step down, that means Joe Biden will be your new presdent.”
  •  In an attempt at “healing the nation,” he has decided to annex Kenya and make it our 51st State retroactive to 1960. Obama was born in 1961 and, as such, would technically make him an American citizen. 

Meanwhile, Vice President Joe Biden’s whereabouts was supposed to be unknown, however, it was  the Vice Preident himself who  divulged his location on network television saying, “Boy, the (expletive deleted) has really hit the fan in DC. I”m sure glad I’m here in the basement of Blair House in the new secret bunker.”  He then ended his short statement with the same sentiment we give you this morning: HAPPY APRIL FOOL’S DAY!

And yes, Mr. Vice President… this is all a “big effing hoax.”

Gerry Ashley (with assistance by field reporter April Phules)


18 Responses to Breaking News: Obama’s Kenyan Birth Certificate Found

  1. […] Breaking News: Obama’s Kenyan Birth Certificate Found « Grand Rants […]

    • giuliana says:

      bla bla bla bla Did not take one day to build Rome…..

      • Gerry Ashley says:

        That excuse might have found an audience a year ago, but if you look at the damage he’s done in the nearly year-and-a-half he’s been President, this line doesn’t cut it any longer. Similarly, Obama blaming everything on Bush has run its course as well. And that’s why his approval rating is slightly above the level of Larry Flynt charging admission for tickets to a bible study class.

  2. Social comments and analytics for this post…

    This post was mentioned on Twitter by Stoutcat: BREAKING: Obama’s birth certificate found in Kenya: #aprilfool…

  3. rrichardson says:

    April Fool joke.

  4. […] Breaking News: Obama’s Kenyan Birth Certificate Found « Grand Rants […]

  5. giuliana says:

    So tired of people having only bad things to say about socialism.This country could not do it anyway.The political leaders have taken this country down for many years. Not one man has done this.Not one man can fix this.Get rid of Congress, Lobbyists,Senate, and all the rest of the parties as a whole. Start over…I wish

    • Franklin Thompson says:

      The socialists better pray for Capitalism. Otherwise they could not play liberal and socialist. It requires someone elses money.

  6. Hey could I quote some of the material found in this post if I reference you with a link back to your site?

  7. Logan Anderson says:

    DOES THE KENYAN HOSPITAL confirm that it is the source of this birth certifcate????

  8. CJM says:

    So if you have the birth certificate, then why not post it on the internet? I personally do not believe Obama is a US citizen, but until I see the birth certificate you speak of, then it still does not exist (or is at least hidden).

    • Gerry Ashley says:

      Dear CJM

      I’m sorry if you didn’t get the joke, but this was posted on April 1st, also known as “April Fools Day.”

      The giveaway that should have tipped you off:
      1.) Robert Gibbs never resigned as White House Press Secretary.
      2.) Kenya (where some conspiracy theorists believe Obama was really born) is not now, nor has ever been considered as a 51st State. That was an obvious (to most folks) joke, the punch line being that allegedly Obama was preparing to cover his back in case it was ever proven he was born in Kenya.
      3.) I ended the article by clearly stating “April Fools!”
      4.) And just in case anyone missed ALL of the above, I added the last line about being assisted by someone named April Phules. Keep reading the name… eventually, it will all make sense.

      See you at the dog park!

  9. Barbie says:

    Delightfully joyful satire!!

  10. Steve says:

    There “he” is again, with his nose in the air.

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