This Just In: Massive Massa Movie In The Works

From the Tongue-In-Cheek Desk of Grand Rants (Translation: there’s not a word of truth in this, folks!):

Longshot Pictures And Lawn Service (a subsidiary of Jerks of All Trades, Inc.) announced today plans to make a major motion picture about Eric “Tickle Me” Massa, the recently resigned Representative of the 29th Congressional District of New York.

Massa (Source: CNN)

“We’re in negotiations right now with several well-known actors who have indicated absolutely no desire whatsoever to play Massa,” stated Longshot President, Ima Hacke. “We’ve narrowed the list down to several who, we feel, would be embraced by the movie-goers as Eric Massa.”

At the top of the dream list is actor/director/anarchist Bob Goldthwaite. Goldthwaite has a history of odd behavior himself, so it would be a case of typecasting. Goldthwaite once set the guest’s chair on the Tonight Show set on fire during an interview with Jay Leno that resulted in him being banned from the show.

Goldthwaite (Source: Photobucket)

When asked about playing Massa, Goldthwaite reportedly responded, “I’m dying to play any politician that tickles his interns like that. Wait… no, that’s not really true. Its just that, as an actor, I’ve been pretty much available since “Shakes, The Clown” in 1991, so yeah, I’ll take it.”

When asked to respond to Hacke’s comments, Goldthwaite reportedly replied, “Shhhh… I never completed my court-ordered community service and I don’t want it to get back to them…”

Given the possibility that fire insurance will not be available on any project Goldthwaite is involved with, the odds in Las Vegas are that the part will go to former politician and actor Oswald Cobblepot.
Cobblepot, you may recall,

Oswald Cobblepot (Source: IMDB.COM)

was a former mayor of Gotham City, New York but had issues of his own stemming from a number of allegations surrounding his odd behavior  nearly 20 years ago. Cobblepot, in hiding until recently, was thought to have been killed in a confrontation with Batman.

“Sure, I’d love to play Eric Massa. I think we’ve got a lot in common,” said Copperpot. But the thing is, I haven’t completely ruled out running for his seat in Congress myself. I mean, there’s so MUCH to be done in Gotham and I get along great with President Obama. In fact, I’d say we’re (heh-heh)… “birds of a feather.”

Look for “MASSA!” appearing in your local theaters this summer (he’ll be the one tickling the workers behind the concession counters). But the movie isn’t scheduled to come out any time soon.

Enjoy your weekend!

Gerry Ashley


2 Responses to This Just In: Massive Massa Movie In The Works

  1. Doug says:

    But it was just harmless male bonding, right?

    Superb Rant!

  2. Gerry Ashley says:

    Thanks, Doug. Yeah, I hoped our readers would be tickl… uh, amused by it. I wdas surprised at the likeness between Massa and Golthwaite, and I instantly thought of Danny DeVito as Oswald Copperpot from the Batman Returns movie. Seemed like a interesting piece for week-end fun.

    Thanks again.

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