Tiger Discovers That Some “Lies” Are Just Not Playable

As our civilization rattles and gasps its way towards the apocalypse, we look for signs, omens, anything to give us hope. But one by one, the ugly truths are revealed:

  • There ain’t no such thing as a free lunch
  • No, you haven’t already won a million dollars from Publisher’s Clearinghouse
  • There’s no Santa Clause
  • Nope… No Easter Bunny either (did you really think a Bunny laid all those Easter eggs?)
  • Bill Inhaled
  • Tooth Fairy? Don’t make me laugh!
  • Global Warming – A scam designed to create a market to sell certificates called Carbon Credits
  • Change and Hope?  Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!  Gotcha!

But this? I can’t believe I’m writing these words, but here they are: The last of the “Good-guy” pro-sports figures has turned out to be just another dirtbag who cheats on his wife like so many others. Let the denial begin:

When the Tiger Woods story broke the other night, I admit it was shocking, but I was perfectly willing to ignore it. Denial? Perhaps, but couples have fights from time to time and just because this event happened at 2:30 in the morning and involved Tiger apparently making a run for it in his SUV while  his wife, Supermodel Elin Nordegren appeared to be choosing from the many windows in the Escalade in an attempt to put a hole in one…

There could be a thousand explanations, right? He was snoring too loudly. She kept stealing all the blankets onto her side of the bed.  Someone had a  problem with gas. It happens… I’ve been married and have been guilty of… well never mind. Tiger is innocent until proven guilty like anyone else, right? And he has certainly earned the benefit of the doubt.

So I was willing to let it all sort itself out. Surely a class act like Tiger wouldn’t be involved in anything as salacious as… Well, I mean, certainly, as soon as Tiger spoke to the police, everything would make sense.

But, then it was: “Uh… Officer? Sorry, but Tiger’s asleep. Try again tomorrow… yeah, that’s the ticket!” As several days went by, his  continued refusal to speak to the police, while not criminal, was certainly starting to take on the appearance that what we had here was not a wayward patch of ice on the driveway of his Orlando area home, but ice in the relationship.

But we at Grand Rants have steadfastly refused to  lower ourselves to the gossip column level, where speculation runs rampant. Nope, that’s not us. That’s National Enquirer. That’s Star Magazine. Thats… the Mainstream Media these days.

Well, sadly, there’s no need for us to change our policy. All speculation of Wood’s private life went tumbling  into the sewer with Wednesday’s statement from Tiger on his web site, admitting he had disgraced his family. I was asking myself, “Why now? Why is he choosing to admit anything at all? Certainly, if he stonewalled it, the majority of people would continue to give him the benefit of the doubt.  I mean, it’s worked for Obama for so long now…

Ah, but then came the voicemail. And text messages. All saved by one of his paramours:

And how many more bimbos will now step forward to collect the big paycheck from the rabid media? Wow, Tiger… a cocktail waitress and hotel hostess? Was it worth the hundreds of millions you stand to lose in endorsements? More important: Was it worth potentially breaking up your family?

All that’s left is the inevitable Saturday Night Live sketch. Get ready to TIVO Leno, Letterman and the also-rans. The jokes will easily write themselves:

“He may have had Turkey for Thanksgiving, but he’ll be eating cooked goose for the forseeable future…” [rimshot]

As predicted, Leno wasted no time in jumping on topic:

“Tiger has just been named the winner of the prestigeous “Ride-Her” (Rider) Cup. But Nike has announced they’re standing by Tiger. Well, sure they are! I mean, their motto is ‘Just Do It!'” 

I’m betting Letterman will go a bit lighter due to him having been in a similar position not so long ago. Unless, of course,  Tiger had been cheating with Sara Palin.

And so Tiger has gone from golfing icon to punch-line overnight.

“Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio?  Our nation turns its lonely eyes to you…”

No, seriously.

Gerry Ashley


3 Responses to Tiger Discovers That Some “Lies” Are Just Not Playable

  1. Birdseed anarchist says:

    I think he should change his name to “Tiger’s Woodie”.
    Sorry, I just couldn’t help myself.

  2. Lady Huntington says:

    He’s not a Tiger, he’s a Cheatah! and he’ll never change those spots!

    • Gerry Ashley says:

      My understanding is that Jackie Chan is going to portray Tiger Woods in a new Martial Arts film called “Crouching Tiger – Hidden 5-Iron.”

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