This Just In From The Tongue-In-Cheek News Desk:
In a stunning announcement, the White House today announced the end of the Thanksgiving holiday; it is to be replaced by a new event some are calling “political correctness run amok.” The new event, to be called “Baracksgiving”, is described by the President as “similar to Thanksgiving in many ways, but it’s now an event that re-energizes the meaningfulness of family while keeping proper perspective on who we are and our place in the world.”
In the interests of bipartisanship, gender neutrality, and full inclusion (formerly known as “integration”), the President this year will be granting a symbolic “pardon us for our history of evil” (formerly known as “pardon”) to all fowl normally eaten during the holidays. As you know, for generations there has been an annual custom to pardon the White House Turkey. However, White House Chief of Shaft (formerly known as “Chief of Staff”) Rahm Emanuel was concerned this year that people might think this was a reference to the President and, therefore, suggested the change to read “all fowl.”
At a press conference, Press Secretary Robert Gibbs announced:
“The decree shall thus go out that “No family In the United States shall eat Turkey, Chicken or Duck during the ‘man-made seasonal celebratory events’ (formerly known as ‘holidays’).”
But none of the Assembled press corps – including hardened veterans – was prepared for Gibbs’ next statement:
“As an emblematic gesture signifying the completion of his “Symbolic All-Year World Healing Apology Tour” (S.A.Y. W.H.A.T.), the President has decide to end the traditional Thanksgiving holiday, effective immediately, and replace it with a more solemn ‘man-made seasonal celebratory event.'”
President Obama then surprised the White House Press Corps by joining Gibbs at the podium where he stated:
“For too many years now, the wealthy have gathered on this day called ‘Thanksgiving’ and gorged themselves on an embarassment of riches while those less fortunate went wanting. Further, it led to the unnecessary slaughter of hundreds of millions of innocent, defenseless birds, mostly turkeys. And for what? To allow the rich to flaunt their wealth!
This is unacceptable and it ends now. Under my leadership, a new man-made seasonal celebratory event will be replacing what was known as ‘Thanksgiving’; one that all people, rich and poor alike can claim as their own. Like Thanksgiving, it will be a day for families to come together. But it will be a day when we apologize to each other for any transgressions, real or imagined, that we may have inadvertantly caused in the past year.
In keeping with that theme, I’m going to mandate that anyone with an annual income above $100,000 is to invite one Native American family to join them at their table as a symbolic gesture of reunification and re-distribution of wealth. If you do not know any Native American families, one will be assigned to you by the office of the Secretary of the Interior. Make no mistake: refusal to open your home to your assigned Native American will result in a fine of $600 and/or 30 days in jail.
Let me make this clear: This new ‘man-made seasonal celebratory event will instantly become a day that is meaningful, spiritual, and one of reflection in all 57 states.
Now since you will no longer be allowed Turkey, Chicken and Duck, and since so many of you are overweight, I have decided this would be a perfect time for the American people to get into shape. Therefore, I suggest you celebrate Barackgiving with Tofurkey, a portmanteau of tofu, savory natural ingredients, and yogurt gravy. Or you might like the tofu equivalent of chicken called, uh… Tof…oh my goodness… uh…To-FOO-kin, or the tofu replacement for duck which is uh… called… uh… uh… good gracious… apparently Rahm didn’t think this through very well. Tell you what: I’ll let you figure out your own pronunciation. You know, on second thought, if there are children in your household under 18, may I suggest the Tofurky as it may cause less of a commotion at the table.
As for the first family and myself, well, we’re already in shape. To celebrate the very first Baracksgiving, we’ll be traveling to England to personally apologize to the Queen for the uproar and inconvenience caused by the American Revolution… and to replace those DVDs that don’t work for Prime Minister Brown. In a gesture demonstrating the ongoing commitment we have with the Queen, I will be bringing replacement batteries and a software upgrade for her Ipod.
Thank you, and I wish you all a very warm and significant Baracksgiving!”