New Law Needed: Stupid Law

Yeah, you heard me, we need one more law… The “Stupid Law”.

I learned of the need for this law years ago from a buddy who was an MP (now I guess they call ’em “PMO”) in the U. S. Marine Corps. He would routinely bust people who would leave the base, scurry into the woods across the street, and then smoke a bone. Using a starlight scope, he and others would observe and then arrest.

My friend said that every bust would be followed by the predictable accusatorial, “You’re only arresting me because I’m a guy“; or “You’re only arresting me because I’m a woman“; or “You’re only arresting me because I’m black“; or “You’re only arresting me because I’m white“; or “You’re only arresting me because I outrank you“; or “You’re only arresting me because you outrank me“… And to each asinine plea my pal would respond with the truth – “No, I’m arresting you because you’re stupid.” In his eyes, those idiots broke the “Stupid Law”. (My compadre was no stranger to the wacky weed, he was just smart enough to cover his tracks.)

So what exactly is this “Stupid Law”? Well, by way of explanation, here are a few examples. (Note: Some of the examples include description and some don’t. You figure it out…)

  • Shepard Fairey: What do you say about blatant and ongoing plagiarism? ” Oops, I pulled a Ward Churchill!
  • There’s the “Balloon Boy” parents… Stinks when you’re caught in a pathetic, immature, ridiculous, hubristic, even dangerously moronic lie.
  • Ronan Tynan and his anti-Semitism… “It was stupid of me to be so callous, and I would never want to hurt anybody’s feelings…” Umm… Ronan… You had a pretty good gig going… Best to just sing and otherwise keep your mouth shut.
  • Larry Craig:  Larry! Put down the toilet paper and leave the stall alone!
  • Bill Clinton didn’t inhale
  • Bill Clinton… Oral sex ain’t really sex
  • Fox News not being a “real” news organization
  • Trying to reason with a government who encourages people to blow themselves up.

Anyhow, you get the idea. We’re talking about a law that any common citizen who has a brain and isn’t agenda-blind can cite as a raging example of “Stupid”… My old friend was spot on: I’m not busting you because you’re smoking pot… I’m busting you because you’re stupid.

When all is said and done, the “Stupid Law” is just a repercussion of “Unthink” (“… the ability to remove facts, reason, and viable memories from the cognitive process.”)

Yup, just one more law and all will be right with the world…

Alan Speakman


5 Responses to New Law Needed: Stupid Law

  1. davis says:

    if only it were that easy

  2. Doug says:

    Presumably we already have common law. Which covers the stupid clause. It is a sad commentary on the times we live in that it would indeed be necessary to spell it out with specific legislation.

    Clearly, statutory, judicial, and administrative law all too often run afoul of common law.

    I had a similar conversation with a younger friend who at age 31 was busted with less than a gram of pot in Lewes Delaware. I too explained to him that he was not arrested for marijuana. He was busted for being stupid.

    Any cop worth her salt will take a small amount of pot from an otherwise law abiding citizen and destroy it in their presence for minor stupidity. The amount of trouble to paper an arrest ( and I speak from experience ) tends to indicate that most minor pot busts fall under the Stupid Clause.

    My take is the level of stupidity has to rise above minor inadvertent in most simple pot posession cases.

    When you are talking about a civillian apartment complex you can always throw the proverbial book at the offender if they repeat.

    In the military, a higher standard of discipline is required.

    A serious violation of Stupid that entailed provoking the peace would have to be a factor. In military justice, which is to justice what military music is to music, the standard has to be broader so the populace can sleep at night.

    Your friend had it right.

    Now, back to the larger picture…

    The fly in the ointment with your proposal for a New Law, is the potential for overzealous enforcement. While seemingly a good thing, where are we going to get the resources to prosecute and punish these violators?

    Such an overload could break the system.

    I would submit that your friend is evidence that the law already exists. We need to find a way to pressure our officials to enforce it in cases where there is a willful and wanton attempt to breach the peace.

    Even then, we need to be careful to prioritize or the system will crumble under the weight. Not even Joe Arpajio could put up tents fast enough or dye enough drawers pink to handle that influx.

    • Hi Doug (et al),

      Of course, I didn’t mean a new law literally, but rather a GR Law that walks in lockstep with the GR UnThink Law. It really boils down to common sense in the face of gross illogic…

      Imagine for a moment that you’re a TV preacher and you have a following worth… oh… say $165,000,000.00. Now, would you risk it all just to play footsie with a secretary? What kind of raging idiot would do such a thing? Forget about arrogance, forget about hubris… I mean we’re talking single-digit IQ here. Enter the GR Stupid Law. (We like to call it “Stubris”…)

      Fox News isn’t a news outlet and other “news outlets” should treat them as such??? Wow! Now that’s a violation of the GR Stupid Law!


      • Doug says:

        I agree. We are going to have to;

        A. Issue summons electronically at the risk of bandwidth

        B. Kill a lot of trees for paper citations…

        I find the use of invective and personal attacks to mask stupidity crimes potentially amusing. It’s not amusing, but if the stakes weren’t so high it would be.

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