From our Tongue-In-Cheek News Service
Despite President Obama’s repeated apologies for America’s greatness, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) was not moved, and the city of Chicago was eliminated from consideration for the 2016 Summer Olympics in the first round of voting.
Upon hearing the news, Michelle Obama suddenly appeared to lose her balance and clutched the President’s arm for support.
A spokesman said Mrs. Obama had “experienced a sudden lack of pride in being an American.”
As a precaution she was taken to a hospital, but with Denmark’s national healthcare program, the earliest she could be seen was March of 2012.
As the IOC continued their announcements, Kanye West ran onto the stage and grabbed the microphone away from the head of the IOC and announced, “Yo, ahm monna let you finish, but first ah just gots to say Chicago have da best hot dogs of anywheres! Of ANYWHERES in da whole wurl! Oh, yeah, and Beyonce’s video shouldda beat Taylor’s.”
Meanwhile, back in the United States, the people of Chicago tried to cope with the realization that their city really didn’t impress the members of the IOC, who are mostly European.
But it wasn’t Chicago per se that put off the IOC. President Obama may have sealed Chicago’s fate with his last minute pleading. In his pitch to the IOC, Obama apologized for America’s greatness, then promised to cut back on taxes for the poor and increase taxes on the rich (all of which made no sense to the Committee). Obama later apologized again, saying an aide had put an old speech on his teleprompter. As a last-ditch attempt, Obama promised the IOC that a Summer Olympics in Chicago would combine the magic of 2002’s Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City along with the Southern Charm of the 1996 Summer Olympics in Atlanta.
It might have worked, if it weren’t for the fact that what the IOC remembered from those events was the bribery scandal that nearly cancelled the Salt Lake event and the bombing incident at the games in Atlanta. They quietly validated the Obamas’ parking and sent them home with some lovely parting gifts.
Reaction to the news has been swift. In Hollywood, Bill Maher called the IOC “a bunch of tea-baggers” and Janeane Garbagefellow… well, she mumbled a few obscenities and then reminded people she’s still available for acting jobs.
In Georgia, former President Jimmy Carter dismissed the IOC as a bunch of racists for not giving Obama what he wanted.
In a related story, a number of pieces of run-down properties that were recently bought up for large sums of money by local area politicians in speculation of being the site of the 2016 Olympics were placed back on the market this afternoon at “significantly reduced prices.”