American History, Obama-rised


What’s this? President Obama talking tough about Iran? Could it be that the President-in-Training has received a spine transplant?

No, no such luck. But now that just about all the other Democracies of the free world have checked in with their condemnation of the Iranian government, Obama’s feckless “wait and see” response was beginning to look more and more impotent.

So, like a dime store novel everyone can predict, He stood at His carefully orchestrated (and oh, so predictable) press conference yesterday and used the strongest words yet to describe how He feels about developments in the Iranian protests. He staged an obviously rehearsed ” impromptu question” moment with a shill from the Huffington Post.  This enabled PrObama to use words like “appalled” and “outraged.” He even offered a tough expression almost as if He meant it. Yet He still “observed the moment,” rather than seizing it, once again preferring to “see how things play out.”

It got me to thinking: What if Obama had been President during other crises throughout America’s history? How different might have history looked? Well, let’s just see…

Boston, MA – (June 16, 1865 1775)

William Prescott: Mr. Obama, sir. The Redcoats have been occupying Boston now for nearly 2 weeks, fortifying themselves for battle at our expense. Now it’s been reported they are moving towards us and will be here shortly. We’re set up perfectly to surprise them sir and I strongly believe we can decimate them! I say we attack but not until we see the whites of their eyes! What say you?   

Barack Obama: Well, let’s not rush into this, Bill. I mean let’s look at the opportunity that lies before us. I have said repeatedly that I am willing to have a frank and meaningful dialog with their leader with no preconditions.

William Prescott: But sir, they have over 1,000 heavily armed troops marching towards us. That looks like a pretty serious “precondition” on their part, don’t you think? I say we start shooting as soon as we can see the whites of their eyes!

Barack Obama: Now hang on. Let me be clear: If we do that, that could conceivably be taken the wrong way and start a war. Look, they let that Paul Revere fellow go, didn’t they? I think it’s best for us to just wait here and see how this develops.

Washington, DC – (April 27, 1865)

Press Secretary Robert Gibbs (“PS Gibbs”):President Obama, It’s been nearly two weeks since President Lincoln was shot. Boothe has fled the city and is believed on his way out of the country. He needs to be stopped before he gets away!. What do you intend to do?

President Obama (“PrObama”): Well, I don’t want to be seen as jumping the gun here. You never know. He might just turn himself in. As for leaving the country, I think it’s premature to make that assumption. I think someone said he was scheduled to do Hamlet in Charlotte.  Let’s wait awhile and see how it all plays out. 

Washington, DC – (November 8, 1929)

PS Gibbs: Mr. President! Please! It’s been nearly 2 weeks since the stock market crashed. People have lost their life savings! Companies are shutting down left and right. There are literally people jumping out of high rise buildings to their death! What message do you want me to bring to the American people to calm their panic?

PrObama: Let me be clear: We don’t know for a fact that the people jumping out of buildings is related to the stock market crash. I think it’s important that we first rule out mass depression, or that maybe this is a mass suicide by some religious cult. I think it would presumptuous for us to make too many assumptions here that could send the American public the wrong message. If we’re not careful, we could intensify the very panic we’re trying to calm. Therefore, I think we should just wait awhile and see how it all plays out.

Washington, DC – (December 20, 1941)

PS Gibbs: Sir, it’s been nearly two weeks since the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. Fires are still burning, the casualty count is enormous! A good part of our Pacific Fleet lies in ruins with most of it blocking the Harbor! What is your response? What will be your course of action?

PrObama:  Make no mistake: This type of attack is clearly unacceptable and the kind of thing that can strain relations with Imperial Japan. This, in turn, could jeopardize frank and honest discussions in the future. I mean, did any of us see this coming? Do any of us really know what’s behind this? If we rush into a response without knowing exactly what happened and why, we might be seen as meddling in something bigger. Accordingly, I think the best course of action is to wait and see how this plays out. 

Ah yes. There’s nothing like having a decisive leader who is able to make those crucial calls in time of crisis.

Gerry Ashley


5 Responses to American History, Obama-rised

  1. TaxachusettsGirl says:

    Hilarious, but you left out some very important words in what he would have said: Uh, ummm, Uhhhhhhhh…

  2. TaxachusettsGirl says:

    And I think you have the date wrong in the first one, shouldn’t that say 1776???

  3. Gerry Ashley says:

    Ah! You are so right on both accounts, Taxachusetts Girl! Good catch! I had the right date for the first one, but I was cutting and pasting the header and forgot to change it. That’s what happens when you are writing at 3:45am! The devil is in the details.

    And you’re right… they didn’t have teleprompters back then. PrObo would have been stuttering worse than Mel Tillis on a Blind Date with Rosanne Barr.

    Thanks for the catch!

  4. Stoutcat says:

    I must take exception. It wasn’t Gen. Prescott who made the famous “don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes” comment, it was my own six-times great grandfather, General Israel Putnam who said it!

  5. Gerry Ashley says:

    Exception noted, but I ran this through
    3.)International Press Association

    Wikipedia also attributes it to Prescott as “one of the people to whom the quote is attributed.

    Under Putnam’s entry, Wikipedia states: “During that battle Putnam may have ordered his troops “Don’t fire until you see the whites of their eyes” (It is debated whether Putnam or Colonel William Prescott uttered these words).

    However, I can settle this here and now. I was THERE. True it was in a previous life, but back then, as now, it was **I** who comes up with these great lines, then others steal it from me. So it was ME who came up with it. Prescott and your 6 x great grandfather merely REPEATED it. Fortunately for them, I died during the battle. Had I not died then and there, we wouldn’t be having this debate. (Wink-wink). THanks for pointing that out, Stoutcat. In all honesty, I was just going by what the various sites claimed. No disrespect meant to Israel Putnam… even if he WAS one of the two guys who stole it from me…

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