How Many Czars Does An Emperor Need?

Last week, in a Reuters article, Steve Holland wrote about how President Obama was, essentially, building a government of Czars:

Name a top issue and President Barack Obama has probably got a “czar” responsible for tackling it.A bank bailout czar? Herb Allison. Energy czar? Carol Browner.

There’s a drug czar, a U.S. border czar, an urban czar, a regulatory czar, a stimulus accountability czar, an Iran czar, a Middle East czar, and a czar for both Afghanistan and Pakistan, which in Washington-speak has been lumped together into a policy area called Af-Pak.

There are upward of 20 such top officials, all with lengthy official titles but known in the media as czars, and next week there will be one more, when Obama appoints a czar for cyber-security who will be charged with improving the security of computer networks.

Of course, being emperor,  Obama would rule over them. While some see this as an attempt to do an end-run around the legislative process and, possibly avoid having to directly change the Constitution, others see this merely as an attempt to delegate authority.

Obama  recently announced he intends to name a “Cyber-Czar” with the stated responsibility of making secure the infrastructure of the Internet in regards to the nation’s defense as well as Internet commerce.

While many praise this action on the part of the President, there are some who feel the powers of the Cyber Czar could easily be expanded to control content on conservative and libertarian blogs and those sites critical of the administration.  Some say that sites like Grand Rants could eventually be shut down altogether or be heavily controlled by censorship.

To that, I say, (deleted).  It’s clear to me that the use of the Czar concept is a clever scheme practical way for President Obama to expand implementation of his ideological agenda complete campaign promises through the use of force delegation of authority to hand-picked henchmen subject matter experts.

With that in mind, I would like to submit a list of additional “Czars” that “We, The Comrades,” would like to see:

  • Business – President Obama realizes that many smaller businesses stand the risk of sinking under the weight of new taxes and additional costs incurred under  the implementation of Cap and Trade. “It shouldn’t be prohibitive for small businesses to make it in the new business environment,” a White House spokesman has stated. “But there will be a number of new concepts that business owners will have to master in order to make it under the President’s new business environment.” To assist in this endeavor, we suggest a new Czar who deals specifically with the needs of small and medium-sized businesses, forced to deal with a series of odd new requirements. The person chosen will have the title Biz-Czar.”
  • Flight Path Planning – Recently, the Obama administration was embarrassed by a fiasco created when Air Force One buzzed lower Manhattan, ostensibly to get some shots with the Statue of Liberty, without proper warning to the general population. This put future “photo ops” involving Air Force One in jeopardy, including planned “buzz flights” over additional landmarks Obama finds inspirational including Mt. Rushmore, The Grand Canyon and the studios of MSNBC. Therefore, we feel it only logical to have a person in charge of coordinating the logistics so as not to cause panic again when Air Force One buzzes the next location. This person would be known as the “Buzz-Czar.”
  • Fashion – In keeping with Ms Obama’s desire to relate to the everyday woman she hopes to inspire, the primary responsibility of the person in this position would be to find clothing that, while stylish, would also be affordable and could be found in the kind of shops most women have to resort to, especially in this economy. The secondary goal of this person, who would be given the title of “Bazaar Czar” would be to assure Michelle Obama never sees another fashion faux pas similar to the one she wore at the Democratic Convention. That choice has been referred to as “The Wardrobe Malfunction that sent Mr. Blackwell to his death.”
  • Vice Presidential Gaffe Control – It’s no secret that when Joe Biden speaks, people listen more intently than they did to E.F. Hutton. Unfortunately for the Obama administration, it’s because people know that where the Vice President is speaking, hilarity often follows. The person holding this new position would filter all comments by Joe Biden, even when Biden is speaking live. Biden would be required to whisper his comment to this person who would then eliminate any accidental security breaches and relay, in his/her own voice, Biden’s comment to the press. At no time would Biden be allowed to address the press directly. This challenging but vital position would be known as the “Hoof In Mouth Czar.”
  • Children’s Czars – As in one for each child. The two adorable Obama children are going through their formative years and it’s crucial that their needs not take a back seat to things like National Security, economic woes, and Biden control. However, the President and First Lady will have times when they simply need an additional calm, steady authority figure for Malia and Sasha, to help keep them on the right path while also allowing them to fully enjoy their childhood behind the walls of the West Wing. With no direct political powers to speak of, these two positions will be referred to as Czardines.

There will, undoubtedly, be more Czars to come. This helpful list should get you started, Mr. President.

Gerry Ashley, Bah- Czar!


5 Responses to How Many Czars Does An Emperor Need?

  1. Henry says:

    I thought he was going to appoint an Apology Czar too!

    • Gerry Ashley says:

      Hi Henry,

      I thought there would be an Apology Czar as well. And there may well be yet. PrObama seems to be doing such a good job apologizing for the United States already, I can’t help but wonder what’s left for a Czar to do?

      Good point, though. In fact, I think you’re really on to something, Henry! Let’s just see what happens. If it were you making the appointment, what would you call such a Czar? Let me know your ideas if you care to share. I’ll pass them along to the Czar Committee.

      Thanks for your suggestion!
      PS: Come to think of it, in the spirit of combining jobs to save taxpayer money, wouldn’t it make sense to make THAT Czar the same one who will be apologizing (constantly) for whatever Joe Biden is saying? Oh wait… you’re right. That’s a full time job unto itself. Never mind… let’s go with a separate Czar as you suggest…

  2. Josie says:

    Good one, Gerry!! Wonderful choice of titles and applications. I’m sure your readers can come up with lots more!! Henry is a good start.

    • Gerry Ashley says:

      Thanks, Josie! I agree: Henry has a great idea there. Hopefully, there will be other Patriotic Americans who will come up with new Czars for the Obama Dynasty to appoint. In fact, I’ve already filled out an applocation to apply for “Dog” Czar. When no-one is looking, I’ll teach “Fido One” To bite Nancy Pelosi, and pee on Harry Reid. You don’t want to know what I would teach that dog to do to Barney Frank.

      Thanks again!

  3. […] love of the Executive Order? Here are a few opinions on the topic: The Daily Beast, Salon, Grand Rants, Reuters, LA Times, Washington Post, […]

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