End the Torture; Start Prisoner T.L.C!


Yup… You heard it right. I say that we stop all this “torture” (like waterboarding) of terrorist prisoners and start giving them the kind of health care that the rest of the world will envy! Hey, we can either give them a choice to talk and live the easy and all too well known “Gitmo Life”, or we can give them the “Ultimate Health and Conditioning Treatment” (or UHCT) free of charge. So what is the UHCT?

The UHCT is better treatment than what we give to our own jailed prisoners, recruits, and/or the mentally challenged. Here’s a typical week…

Monday: Let’s start off with a thorough physical…

  • Blood work.
  • Full body exam for stuff like testicular cancer.
  • Endoscopy of the urinary bladder via the penis (of course we provide local anesthesia!)
  • A thorough prostate exam.
  • Can’t leave out the gastrointestinal endoscopy (colon scope). Need to be complete.
  • A dental exam complete with fillings, root canals, and even extractions.

Tuesday/Thursday: Physical fitness

  • Why should the USMC have all the fun? Besides, terrorists need to get in shape too… 5 AM wake-up followed by a bunch of screaming pushups, running, and rock busting for everyone!  The hotter the weather, the better.

Wednesday/Friday: Attitude adjustment days

  • This is tricky… We can’t be cruel… I’d suggest that in a spirit “Cultural Awareness”, we expose the errant little rascals to 16 hours of Yoko Ono music in solitary. (Obviously, we let the terrorists pray as their religion dictates — and they’re going to need to.)

Saturday/Sunday: Entertainment

  • I recommend endless loops of such classics as “The Love Boat” or “The Gong Show”.

Of course, this schedule will need some tweaking, but you get the idea. (How about “Tear Gas Tuesdays” or Tazer Thursdays”?)

Now about food… Bologna sandwiches seems to be sufficient for a certain sheriff in Arizona, but we still have to be culturally sensitive. So I suggest that we also offer plain yogurt, tofu, lima beans, and calves’ liver — now that’s health food! As a special treat, we could serve up non-alcohol beer. Living large!

No doubt about it, UHCT is really little more than going to a rigorous health retreat (and lots of folks pay good money for a week or two at a health spa!), or spending time in prison. We could even pipe in bird songs… Lots and lots of bird songs.

But just remember: After Sunday comes Monday.

Ummm… Maybe talking and relaxing at”Club Gitmo” ain’t so bad after all…

Alan Speakman

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