From TIC News Dept: Obama Replies To Pirate Hijacking – “Can We Talk?”

 

This just in from the Tongue-In-Cheek (TIC) Newsgroup at Grand Rants

There’s been an odd silence from President Barack Obama in regards to the seizing of an American-flagged cargo ship off the coast of Somalia. So much for a President who makes “Quick, Decisive Action” in times of crisis. 

So the TIC newsgroup at Grand Rants sent a team to catch up with the President to find out why there has been little or no response from the Apologist-In-Chief.  It turns out, the President has had to put the crisis response on “hold” for several reasons:

  • His primary speechwriter, Kaniu Digget, ate some bad Baba Ganush while in Turkey and has been sidelined.
  • “Teleprompter One” suffered a massive fuse board malfunction and the backup teleprompter wasn’t set for European power standards.

However all problems have now been resolved and here is the transcript of the speech given by the President moments ago:

My Fellow Americans.

I have become aware of a situation off the coast of Somalia that needs to be addressed. As your President, I think this calls for a strong response… one that uh-uh-uh-uh…(hey, move your butt, Rahm, I can’t see the teleprompter!)

… a response that is quick… decisive… and shows the world that the United States will NOT… I repeat will NOT… be held hostage for no reason. Nor do we negotiate with those who illegally detain and hold hostage our fellow citizens.

That said, however, let me be clear. There are times in the past, when the United States has acted boorishly on the high seas. Even reprehensibly. We must ask ourselves: Is their taking of a mere cargo ship comparable to the way we stormed Granada with nearly 10,000 troops?

Wasn’t the invasion of Normandy Beach something that could also be viewed as intrusive? And so, my fellow Americans, it must be noted that, compared to those two landmark examples, this current incident is really little more than a blip on our radar screen. The bigger issue is, I’m sure you will agree, American arrogance on the world’s oceans.

I understand why some of you may look upon our presence in that part of the world as being intrusive. I wish to apologize for that and any other indiscretions previous administrations may have thrust upon the world community with no regard for the impact their actions might have had. As you know, I inherited these problems from the Bush administration and I can’t apologize enough.

To those people who have hijacked our ship and hold its captain hostage, LET ME BE CLEAR: I am willing to meet with a representative of your organization without any preconditions. The dialogue we will share will enable you to list any personal grievances you may have with the United States that we may be unaware of. It is through this very dialogue that we will be able to discover the common ground of Hope and Change.

Let there be no mistake:  This is a new day and the United Socialist States of America, under my excellent leadership has already turned a page or two since we took office.  We WILL resolve this in a peaceful manner that is productive for both sides. And together, we can face the future knowing that “THIS IS OUR TIME.”

Thank you. May God bless all of you and may God bless the United Socialist States of America.

For TIC, Gerry Ashley

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