Obama Heads To Tonight Show To Do Damage Control

Pity poor Barack Obama! If only he knew how to do something besides campaign!  I mean it’s been quite an eventful 2 months:

  • He’s batting zero when it comes to nominees and appointees. And he’s really hoping we’ve all forgotten how he proudly stood behind Timothy “Turbo Tax” Geithner.
  • He’s added more to the debt in the first two months than all previous Presidents combined.
  • He has been caught lying repeatedly. Example: “There’s not ONE earmark in this stimulus package. ” Well, I guess technically that’s not a lie. There were over 9,000 individual pieces of pork. Technically, that’s “not ONE” as defined in the William Jefferson Clinton dictionary.
  • His polls are slipping away to the point where George Bush’s numbers were better than Obie’s at the same point in HIS presidency.

So what do you do when you’re a President with NO experience and suddenly find yourself overwhelmed, making bad decisions and you just wish you could hear that adoration from the crowd again? Why you go back to “campaigning” again. Only this time, you make guest appearances in front of FRIENDLY crowds who sit before “Applause” signs. An environment that allows you to bring your teleprompter (or cue cards). You bring your routine to The Tonight Show with Jay Leno!  So, tonight it’s off to the Tonight Show where he can hear the sounds of adulation from a crowd while being hit with such hard hitting questions from Leno such as:

  • Do you and Michelle still have a “Date Night” at the White House?
  • How’s the search for a puppy going?

A word of advice for Herr Obama: You might want to take your act to The Late Show with David Letterman on the way back east. He gets a little pissy when he thinks people are blowing him off. Remember how he went for McCain’s throat when he was stood up last fall? I’m just sayin’… And I can see it now: “Ladies & Gentlemen, I have here in my hand tonight’s Top Ten list. Tonight’s list: Top Ten Things New Yorkers Will  Have To Say To Obama When He Comes To Visit Late Night:”

10.) Hey, we’ve reserved a nice spot for Air Force One right there on the Hudson.

9.) Whussup? I just cleaned your damn windshield! An you won’t even roll your window down an tip me? (SPIT!)

8.) Hey, Obama! I got  your stimulus package, right here!

7.) We got enough busses over at the port authority to throw your entire Cabinet under.

6.) I’m Sorry, but Mujibur and Sirajul no longer work here. They’ve gone back to Bangladesh to work as Phone Support  technicians for Microsoft.

5.) Yo, Obama! Mah Man… $20 billion if you can guess which card is the red queen…

4.) No, seriously, Mr. President. I’m Tina Fey. Sara lives in Alaska, remember? And, by the way, if I may add one more thing?  You’re at the wrong network.

3.) “I’m sorry, Mr. President, but you can’t open the show by yelling, “Live From New York, It’s Saturday Night” for several reasons…

2.) Sir, your teleprompter doesn’t seem to be working. Sir? It’s OK, sir, please don’t cry. Seriously. We have back-up cue cards. Sir? Sir? Hey Where’d  he go?

And the number one thing New Yorkers will have to say to President Obama when he comes to visit late night?

1. Mr. Trump wants to see you in the board room. Bring Bernanke and Geithner. One of you will be fired.

Gerry Ashley


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