I’m sorry. I know it’s mean-spirited, politically divisive, and does nothing to help Michelle Obama’s children. But I swear, I can’t help myself.
Nobody expects the SENATE INQUISITION!
Harry Reid: Senator Burris– you are accused of corruption on three counts — corruption in print, corruption in word, corruption by deed, and corruption by action — *four* counts. Do you resign?
Roland Burris: I don’t understand what I’m accused of. You just didn’t ask the right questions.
Reid: Ha! Then we’ll make you understand! Senator Durbin! Fetch…THE CUSHIONS!
[Dick Durbin holds out two ordinary modern household cushions]
Durbin: Here they are, Senator.
Reid: Now, Mr. Burris — you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of corruption, resign from your Senate seat — *two* last chances. And you shall be free — *three* last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.
Burris: I really don’t know what you’re talking about.
Reid: Right! If that’s the way you want it — Sen. Durbin! Poke him with the soft cushions!
[Durbin carries out this rather pathetic torture]
Reid: Resign! Resign! Resign!
Durbin: It doesn’t seem to be hurting him, Harry.
Reid: Have you got all the stuffing up one end?
Durbin: Yes, Harry.
Reid [angrily hurling away the cushions]: Hmm! He must be made of stronger stuff! Governor Quinn! Fetch…THE COMFY SENATE SEAT!
[Zoom into Quinn’s horrified face]
Quinn [terrified]: The…Comfy Senate Seat?
[Durbin pushes in a comfy chair — a really plush one]
Reid: So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions. Well, we shall see. Dick! Put him in the Comfy Senate Seat!
[They roughly push Burris into the Comfy Senate Seat]
Reid [with a cruel leer]: Now — you will stay in the Comfy Senate Seat until lunch time, with only a cup of coffee at eleven. [aside, to Durbin] Is that really all it is?
Durbin: Yes, Senator.
Reid : I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we? Resign, man! Resign! Resign! Resign! Resign! Resign!
Durbin: I resign!
Reid: Not you, Dick!
For those of you who are completely bewildered, this may help.