Or: Arrested Development
Tomorrow is arguably the premier sports event of the year. Super Bowl XLIII. Steelers vs. Cardinals. Security will be tight at Tampa’s Raymond James Stadium. Sports fans will be subjected to metal detectors, x-ray machines, and bag inspections. And with nearly 60,000 excited and excitable fans ready to cheer their favorite team to victory, it’s probably good that security will not allow such items as weapons, knives, explosives, fireworks, tripods, frisbees, poles, and sticks in the stadium.
However, based on recent research, it’s not the fans that are likely to be the problem. Our professional sports teams, and in particular the NFL, are rife with rustlers, cut-throats, murderers, bounty-hunters, desperadoes, mugs, thugs, pugs, nitwits, half-wits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bush whackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass kickers, sh*t kickers, and Methodists!
Actually, that may be just a little over the top. But only just a little. It seems that our competitors this weekend have some issues, shall we say, with obeying the law. Based on which team has the most arrests, it seems Pittsburgh will be a shoo-in to win. However, if you’re rooting for law and order, the Cardinal should be your guys. It breaks down like this:
|Santonio Holmes, possession of marijuana , 10/08||J.J. Arrington, disorderly conduct, 06/08|
|James Harrison, slapped his girlfriend across the face and broke her cell phone, 03/08||Larry Fitzgerald, Assault, restraining order, 12/08|
|Jon Dekker, obstruction of justice, 01/09|
|Steely McBeam (mascot), arrested for DUI, 04/08|
|Deshea Townsend, assault (charges later dropped) 05/07|
|Cedric Wilson, assault, 03/08|
|Larry Zierlein (coach), emailed porn to employees, including league commissioner Roger Goodell, 05/07|
This of course, is simply a small current sampling of the NFL, and it’s just the tip of the iceberg. Of necessity it excludes those who didn’t get caught, who bought their way out, who hushed up a scandal with money, or otherwise weaseled out of trouble. And it’s only one facet of professional sports. Imagine the scale of not just two pro football teams, not just the entire NFL, but also pro basketball, baseball, hockey, and soccer. If you do a little research, you’ll find it’s a veritable rogue’s gallery of miscreants.
So in the future, I suggest you pick your favorites based on which team has the most convictions. Michael Vick was unavailable for comment.