This is one of those rants where I try to convince you I had an amazing dream and then write about it. It’s a lie, of course. There was no such dream. But hey… we’ve just come off two years of Presidential campaigning, so what’s one more big fat lie? Al Franken has just claimed he won the Senate election in Minnesota, so what’s one more distortion of the truth? And Jessie Jackson Jr. just wants his “good name” back, that’s all… so what’s another attempt at humor? So here’s the dream I may or may not have had. The catch? One major part of it is true. It’s just too far-fetched to think it humanly possible, so I’ll include a link where appropriate.
The Dream:
I’m sitting at home, in front of the TV. Unlike most nights, tonight it’s actually turned on. Flipping channels, I soon discover there’s practically nothing but “Reality Shows” at this time of night.
First of all, admit it: “Reality TV” is, for the most part, an oxymoron. It’s just another way of networks admitting, “The creative well has gone dry. We’ve tried every conceivable premise for a TV show and come up empty. So we’re replacing all our embarrassing attempts with ‘Reality Shows’ which are a lot cheaper to produce.”
The commercials for PeptoBama & the newly merged Fordyota Motors end and the network announcer returns:
“You are watching DSN – The Downward Spiral Network. Television for those who have simply given up the thought process.”
Ah! Good! The commercials are done! You know, I came THIS CLOSE to having to think about that new sexy Fordyota model, the Eunuch (“There’s no emisions, folks, because it’s a Eunuch!”). I mean, just how does a car get from point A to point B using no gasoline, petrolium products or water? It’s magic! “No, it’s a Eunuch!” OK, so it only has 3 horsepower and does 0-15 mph in 34.6 seconds. It’s supposed to be slow, green, and earth friendly. “It’s a EUNUCH! The car with no…” well you get the idea. I was so tempted to THINK about it. Good thing we’re back to our program… oops! Shhh!! He we go:
Host: “Hi folks, I’m Howie Man-Dull, welcoming you back to “Bail-out or NO Bail-out!” Just before we went to commercial, our contestant, Progress Energy from Florida, picked case number 22. Senator Kerry, that’s you. Let’s open it up and see if Progress made a good choice. Open… the case!”
The crowd cheers.
Host: “You’ve got it! Progress Energy, not only do you get a bailout, but it’s a sweet one. $2.5 Billion! That should more than cover the upgrade for your accounting equipment to handle those large electricity rate increases and still have enough left over for that Fiji resort vacation for your executives! Thanks for playing! Now, Mr. Treasury, who is our next contestant?”
Off-stage voice of Mr. Treasury: “Well, Howie, our next contestant is actually two contestants combining all their ‘begs into one ask-it!’ Let’s welcome, Hustler Magazine publisher Larry Flynt and “Girls Gone Wild” CEO, Joe Francis!”
Huh? Oh, thank God I was just dreaming. I mean, for a moment there, I thought… oh wait. Was it really a dream? Or could porn meister Larry Flynt and smut video aficiando Joe Francis (convicted earier this year for child abuse and prostitution, and just beating child pornography charges for allowing underage girls to appear in his GGW videos) really have asked for a bailout?
You betcha! Welcome to America, 21st Century.
Obviously (hopefully), this is just a publicity stunt. But for those of you playing the home version of “Bailout or NO Bailout,” who can you come up with for some outrageous examples of hubristic requests for bailouts? You’re going to have to go some to beat these two.
Gerry Ashley, Unbailed
